Monday, 25 September 2017

Badgerstoke on Secret Societies



In my frequent strolls through random pages on the Web I occasionally saw mention of the NWO. I had never taken much notice before assuming it was a 1970s rock band like ELO or REM or possibly a fringe Gaelic political part like the SNP. However on further examination one day, I was shocked to discover that it is in fact an evil Secret Society called the New World Order bent on enslaving the World. Now I must admit that name still sounds a bit like a pop group and I expect they chose it so it wouldn’t be obvious they were a secret society or in any way evil.

I decided to see if there were other secret societies out there either masquerading as pop groups or other innocent organisations. Using the best resources of the internet and Hollywood I have undertaken some extensive research and what I have discovered is frightening. There may be hundreds of secret organisation both private and government run, including the Illuminati, Masons and Women’s Institute. Each one seems bent on World domination by a variety of means ranging from mind control to putting Fluoride in our water. A friend of mine suggested that what I was doing was dangerous as secret societies don’t like their activities to be examined to closely. He told me that it was rumoured that both Lord Lucan and a chap called Shergar were doing research on secret organisations when they suddenly disappeared. Also there was a chap called David Icke (name after his relative David "Icke" Eisenhower who I think was a US President) that had been warning people about these secret organisation and the NWO sent him mad. However I think this topic is important enough for me to risk being kidnapped and I think it is clear that my mind should be capable of resisting any attempts to send me insane.

The New World Order does seem to be the main one of these secret societies and possibly has control over all the others. So here is what I’ve discovered about it.
It has existed for thousands of years and has the goal of creating a single World Government. I have to say they seem very inefficient if it has taken them this long and they’re still nowhere near achieving their original aim. Mind you I always find that large organisations are very inefficient and I expect the “World Domination” subcommittee doesn’t meet that often.

They have a secondary aim of creating a single World religion. I hope it isn’t Islam as I’m not sure that Mrs Badgerstoke would be able to get on the floor and pray to Mecca five times a day and I’m not sure my knees are up to it either.
They have managed to convince the US Government to put their motto and their symbol of a pyramid and all-seeing eye on the one dollar bill. Being a secret society and having your symbol on millions of dollar bills does seem to be a little incompetent; maybe that gives a good indication of their lack of progress towards a World Government. Also there will come a time that even the Americans will phase out their one dollar bill in favour of a coin and so surely a more efficient evil secret society would have gone for the ten or twenty dollar bill. I’m sure that they could benefit from the management skills I acquired while running a medium sized retail outlet before I retired.

In spite of their lack of success over thousands of years a number of influential people do seem to have become involved with them. It appears they are now run by members of the Rothschild family who are rich family that became bored with just being wealthy and decided that World domination might be a fun thing to do. I guess I’d prefer to just lounge about on my yacht or sip a dry martini rather that have all the bother of being evil if I had their money.

Another set of people that seem to be associated with the NWO were that well known comedy double act from 1930s Hollywood, Coudenhove and Kalergi. They were not as famous as the similar act of Laurel and Hardy due to having more unpronounceable names.

They came up with the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan which the NWO adopted. This involved getting people of different races to breed thereby ensuring that there would be no more white people left in a few years time. I must say this seems much more likely to succeed than other plans of the NWO as people don’t normally need much encouragement to breed and with the introduction of foreign holidays in the 1970s the opportunity the breed with people of difference races was taken up with great enthusiasm by many people.
 
However, how the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan contributed towards World Domination it is difficult to say. Probably this is another indication of the lack of coordination within a large organisation.

Finally there is one worrying thought. Maybe the New World Order has already succeeded and we are already under the control of a small elite of wealthy people like Rupert Murdoch, Mike Zuckerberg and Vladimir Putin. Maybe Donald Trump is just an android worked remotely from NWO headquarters which is likely to be inside a volcano somewhere remote like the middle of Switzerland. I have noticed an increase in the number of CCTV camera in our town recently and occasionally I get phone calls from people with foreign accents telling me my computer has been compromised. So quite possibly we are all under close observation. And maybe they are using evil tactics like solving Global Poverty, Conquering diseases, improving education, etc. to keep us from becoming too curious about their activities.  

If you are unable to read this article then it is probable that the NWO have removed it and if I post no further articles then they may also have removed me.

Badgerstoke Tip: However bizarre your fears there will always be someone more paranoid than you.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Badgerstoke on Polling

With the upcoming vote on the 24th June my many readers have asked me to run my eyes over the many polls that are being published on an almost hourly basis. I’m glad to say that the latest polls show the “leave” vote pulling slightly ahead and this has caused a great deal of excitement on the internet although, sad to say, not much everywhere else. 

Firstly I need to make it clear that the process of polling no longer involves the use of a physical poll (or pole) and is also not connected with the country of Poland. The word is though to derive from the 18th Century Practice where landowners would beat their tenants with the said pole until they voted the way they wanted. Thankfully voting is now secret and so the practice has died out in all but the most remote rural constituencies in the Highlands of Scotland.

The polls have always been unreliable in the past. If the polls before the last election had been correct then Nigel Farage and one of the Miliband brothers (I can never remember which is which but in this case I mean the weird looking one) would be in a coalition Government. This would have been an uneasy Labour/UKIP alliance, but one can imaging that a compromise policy of “encouraging immigrants but being unpleasant to them when they arrive” could be made to work.

So why are polls so unreliable? I suspect the blame for this can be laid at the door of people like me. I have always taken the policy of keeping my views secret. This has the advantage of stopping people trying to convince me to change my mind as they have no idea what I think and also it hides that fact that I may not actually have an opinion on the particular subject. However when forced to give my opinion by a persistent researcher then I will often give the opposite view to what I actually think. I am not normally dishonest but in such cases I will make an exception.

Polling organisations have been trying to get people to be more willing to say what they think. One method of doing this is to employ attractive young women to stop men in the street in the hope that they will be less likely to express their displeasure at being delayed on their way to the pub or betting shop. However I think this will still produce unreliable results as I find it is often difficult to concentrate when in close proximity to a young lady with a large chest.

Another problem with any poll is making sure you have an accurate cross-section of the population. Internet polls have shown the leave camp being much further ahead for quite a long time now. But we should bear in mind that the people polled in this way are going to be more introverted and more obese than the average voter. Indeed many of these voters may have problem actually leaving their bedrooms to vote. I think postal voting would be the best thing for many of these people as they could send their mother to the post-box rather than braving the outside World.

The bookmaker have been showing the remain camp quite a way ahead for some time. But this of course will be biased because it will be only based on the views on men of low intelligence (after all they are people who think that giving a large slice of their benefits money to a bookmaker is a sensible thing to do). It is indeed a sad fact that about half the population of the UK has less than average intelligence. Unfortunately these people may vote in the referendum if they can work out how to make their mark on the slip and also remember which day it is on.

Another problem with sampling is where do you take the sample? If you were to poll in Scotland for example you may well get a different result to taking your poll in a more pleasant part of the country. The SNP have been telling us that the Scots are heavily in favour of "remain" for quite a while; mind you they did call the result of the Independence referendum very wrongly and so I’m not sure how much credence we can put on this prediction. On a side issue, I have always wondered why SNP politicians are named after fish: Sturgeon, Haddock & Salmon?

So I think the only conclusion we can draw is that by carefully choosing where, who and when you take your poll you can get the answer you want. And I have noticed that if either side is starting to pull ahead then we get a spate of polls pointing the other way published in the newspapers. Surely it can’t be that the media are trying to make sure it is a close contest because it sells more papers.

So it seems that you can’t take any notice of the polls as they will all have a built-in bias. However I think it is fairly obvious that if you are reading this blog then you are likely to be of greater than average intelligence and so if people would like to tell me how they will be voting then I am willing to do my own informal poll. All votes will be treated in confidence and not used to embarrass anyone later.

Badgerstoke’s Tip: If you want to know which way a poll is biased then just look at the people that paid for it to be done.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Badgerstoke on The EU Referendum



Up until now I have been reluctant to make any comment of the upcoming EU referendum due to the heated debate that has taken place in my own family as well as the rest of the country about how to vote. However my many readers have been encouraging me to make my views clear as they are looking for guidance in this tricky matter. So I have decided to give my views. 

I have mentioned my son-in-law Dean in the past; he is on a Government scheme which has been preparing him for work for almost two year now. He is very much in favour of leaving the EU and will certainly vote that way if it isn't raining on the day. His argument is that millions of Romanians are just waiting on the other side of the channel for when our borders are opened and will flood over and take all the jobs that he might be interested in if he ever does becomes ready for work. 


My son Brian who is in his final year at University doing a degree in Modern Art with Media Studies is in favour of remaining in the EU. Although he had told me his degree would ensure him of a well paid job when he graduates he is now considering taking a Masters Degree in Philosophy with Pottery somewhere in Europe as this will ensure an even better job. He was hoping to get a grant from the EU for this. However I believe he has also been influenced by a Portuguese Girl he met at University who seems to have been resisting his charms. He did spend some time during his last trip home learning to say “would you like to come to a restaurant with me, we can split the bill” in Portuguese.  However he later told me that he found she speaks perfect English and had just been ignoring him.


My wife is undecided on the matter of the EU and she has been watching a number of soap operas on the TV to see which way her favourite characters might vote.


So as you can see the Badgerstoke family is split on the way to vote.


I did decide to do a poll around our neighbours and found that there was: 2 Remains, 1 Leave, 25 Don't Knows, 1 Whatever (this was a teenager) and one set the dog on me as he thought I was selling something.


So having explained the turmoil in the Badgerstoke family I will now give you my opinion.

I think there has been an unfortunate creeping Europeanisation of our country since we joined the EU. You can see it in the media and politics where good solid British names like Smith, Jones and Singh are slowly being displaced by foreign sounding names like Portillo, Farage and Sturgeon.


In my young day we had a host of good British Imperial Units to brighten up our day. Ask one of today’s youngsters how many chains in a hundredweight and they look at you as if you’re mad. I still lament the passing of units like Furlongs, Rods, Groats, etc.  These have been replaced by foreign units like the Kilogram and Metre. In the past it was easy to know whether your car has good petrol consumption in miles per gallon but the automotive industry is no doubt in favour of the EU because no one has any idea of what constitutes good fuel consumption in metres per kilolitre. Another problem with these foreign units is that you only need to divide by tens to do conversions. Now we have a whole generation who are no longer able to divide by sixteen without using a calculator. 


Recently I had a problem with the plumbing a Chez Badgerstoke and I was recommended a number of plumbers. I got three estimates and the polish chap had the cheek to offer me the cheapest price. I went with the next person as he had a Liverpool accent. I must admit it was easier the understand the polish chap (who had the temerity to speak perfect English) rather than the one from Liverpool but I decided not to take the chance as the Pole probably had no idea what a ballcock was as it probably has a different name in polish.


And in the high street the creeping Europeanisation can also be seen. Our Favourite Indian restaurant was recently replaced by Polish Deli for example. And even in proper British shops like Lidl & Aldi, foreign foods are taking up more and more shelf space. It is not too much of a stretch of the imagination to think that soon proper British foods like sausages, baked beans, Heineken beer and Spaghetti Bolognese might disappear all together.


So I think things have gone far enough. I have done a little research on the World Wide Web and found a lot of information about what the EU has in store for us if we remain with them. Here are a few of the most alarming:

1. Pints and Miles are to be eliminated and it will become and illegal to use them.

2. British sausages are to be called “emulsified fat tubes” and only those produced in Germany can be called sausages.

3. Bananas must not bend too much. Any banana that does have too much bend cannot be sold in the shops and will be pulped and used to make banana milkshake. This will be the end of the banana split as that requires a bent banana to keep the ice-cream from sliding off.

4. All shop prices must be shown in Euros.

5. Immigrants must be put at the top of council housing lists and given benefits to make them feel welcome.

6. All Children must learn at least two European languages.

7. All people must own at least one item of ethnic European clothing (e.g. Lederhosen)
8. Schools must offer lessons in ethnic European musical instruments like the fulgelhorn or glockenspiel
  
There are lots more on the many unbiased websites that have suddenly appeared and you can look for yourself.


I think we must leave the EU and reconnect with the Commonwealth. Countries like India, Australia and Rhodesia have just been waiting for us to get back in touch and all the PM has to do is pick up the phone and we will be welcomed back with open arms. I’m sure Australia would be more than willing to junk its business links with it near neighbours if the old mother country asked them to. And if not we could threaten to stop the Queen ruling them and send Rolf Harris back.


Another possible approach for a post-EU Britain could be to ask other disgruntled European countries to join us. We could start our own organisation and I suggest calling it the Union of Europe (or UE). We could have a Singular Market to help businesses trade, freedom of movement so worker would work in any country, trade laws made centrally so that all countries traded equally, a central court which could ensure the rights of our citizen and lots more. We could have all this without the drawbacks of the EU.


So if I’ve convinced you then please vote leave on the 24th June.


Badgerstoke’s Tip: Always treat foreigners with sympathy as they may not have had the pleasure of experiencing British cuisine.


Saturday, 9 April 2016

Badgerstoke on WorldWideWeb



Badgerstoke on WorldWideWeb

I think the World Wide Web (or WWW to give it the official name) is a marvellous thing. It allows people that have never met before to come together and insult each other without any chance of physical violence resulting. In the past if I had got into conversation with a stranger on the 08:37 London bound train then I would have had to be polite and mind what I said but on the internet I can say exactly what I think of their opinions.
I’m glad that the WWW is a British invention. It was invented by a chap called Bernard Lee who used to play the part of M in the James Bond films. I like the name WorldWideWeb better than the old name: the Internet. The name is now much more inclusive of other countries and will make them feel a lot more comfortable using it.
The WWW has allowed me to spread my wisdom via this blog and so on that point alone I think you must agree, it has proved a force for good. In addition to that there are lots of good sources of information on every subject under the sun: health tips, travel advice, bomb making, etc. I can find out such useful information as what the weather is like in Casablanca in a few seconds (it is normally sunny). You will never have to go to the library again. Indeed school children can now simply copy large chunks of information from the WWW instead of having the labourious tasks of actually writing their homework. This will allow then to spend much more time outside in the sunshine on healthy physical activities.
I’m sure that most people who publish information on the web are honest and unbiased. Surely anyone who is clever enough to know how to put information on a web site must also be completely trustworthy. However I think there is a very tiny minority that really spoil it. I came across a web page the other day that said the Royal family were lizards. Surely this can’t be true. Lizards are cold blooded and so the Queen would have to spend all day lying on the roof of Buckingham Palace soaking up the sun rather than visiting another ball bearing factory in Glasgow. And unless I was misled in my school biology lessons, how did Kate Windsor (nee Middleton) become pregnant if Prince William is of a different species. I did consider complaining to whoever runs the WWW about this but I have been unable to find a telephone number or email address for my complaint.
The WorldWideWeb (or Web for short) has also been a great advantage to commerce. Even the smallest commercial enterprise now has a Web Page.  Miss Dingle who lives at number 12 has one which has many pictures of herself modelling lingerie. It is called www.hotmandy.com. I don’t think it is a very good website as there are no prices given for the items of clothing otherwise I might have bought Mrs Badgerstoke a Basque (named after the race of people who live in Spain presumably because they wear a lot of them). Also I don’t know why it is called hotmandy and I happen to know that Miss Dingle’s first name is Gladys and she certainly can’t be hot wearing so little clothing. I shall give her some advice on how to improve her webpage when I next see her.
However, even with its drawbacks, I’m sure you will agree that the WorldWideWeb has been a good thing.
Badgerstoke’s Tip:  No matter how bizarre your opinions you will always be able to find evidence to support them on the Web.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Badgerstoke on Christmas


Badgerstoke on Christmas

I think it only right that I should write a few words to my many readers at this time of year. Maybe I’m even a little late in spreading my Christmas wisdom as some of the local Garden Centres have been selling Christmas decoration since September.

We have sent Christmas cards to everyone on our standard list. Mrs Badgerstoke is in charge of this duty and she takes the responsibility very seriously. Recipients are grouped into different levels. The top level is for close relations and friends, level two is neighbours and acquaintances, and level three is reserved for people we hate. There is a special group for people we don’t remember but who have sent us a card. We always get one or two cards from people we haven’t sent one to and we have a number of spare cards put to one side for an emergency last minute post.

For years we have exchanged cards with Alwin and Rolf in Bray and we have no idea who they are. I think they may have sent us a card by mistake years ago and we have exchanged cards ever since. However this year Rolf is missing from the card; maybe something has happened to him?

We have further subdivisions at each level for religious and non-religious people. My wife was worried about sending Mr Akram at the newsagents a card as be probably isn’t a Christian. However I pointed out that as he sold us the card in the first place then it should be alright. So we sent him a card with a robin on it and nobody can be offended by a small fluffy bird.

At this point I would like to point out to my many North American readers that the bird that you call a robin is not the same as the one we call a robin. Ours is cute and cuddly while yours is (like American cars) bigger than ours.

We have our normal artificial Christmas tree sitting in the corner of the lounge. This tree has done us good service for the last fifteen years. At the beginning of December I bring it down from the loft and put it together and put it in the garden for a couple of days to have a good “blow through”. An amount a sticky tape and string is now necessary to keep the thing in one piece but these are easily hidden behind a large amount of tinsel.

Mrs B (I sometimes call my wife this if I’m in a hurry) suggested we should have some outside lights like a number of our neighbours have started to do. I object to this as it was never a thing that was done in the past and it makes our street look like the Las Vegas strip (I have never been to Las Vegas before but I have seen the strip on TV in the comedy film Leaving Las Vegas).

Christmas is a time for families and this year my children will be home. We have two children, Brian and Gloria. Brian is nearing the end of his University degree in Modern Art with Media Studies and next year expects to take up a highly paid executive role. Gloria is a highly skilled hairdresser and lives with her husband Dean a short distance from us. Dean is currently on a Government scheme which has been preparing him for work for over a year now – he must be one of the most prepared people in the country.

Like most people we will spend the holiday eating too much and watching a lot of TV with such Christmas themes as suicide (It’s a Wonderful Life) and war (The Great Escape). Mrs B and I will watched the Queen’s Speech on Christmas Day but Dean refuses to watch this as he always objects to listening to anyone who has been more successful in life than he has, which is most people.

Badgerstoke’s Tip:  Giving presents at Christmas is a good opportunity to dispose of things you got last year that you didn’t want.

Monday, 22 December 2014

Badgerstoke on Wildlife


Badgerstoke on Wildlife

At this time of year you should feed the wildlife in your garden. Mrs Badgerstoke is a great lover of wild birds (well the pretty ones anyway, she doesn’t like pigeons) and always makes sure she puts out food for them. Her friend Madge from the cake shop will save any stale produce and she gives half of this to my wife for our garden birds.

My wife puts out food in the garden every morning and I have noticed recently that if I go outside before she has done this there are lots of birds watching me for various vantage points. This is like a scene from a Hitchcock film I saw once; it was about birds but I can’t remember the title.

My wife also used to hang up containers of nuts for the more agile birds like the blue tit or green heron. However she found that these attracted a squirrel. Now I’m alright with squirrels but Mrs Badgerstoke doesn’t like them. She say that the way the constantly twitch their tails reminds her of her Great Aunt Sarah.

I never met my wife’s Great Aunt but she tells me that Great Aunt Sarah had a facial twitch which used to happen at the end of each sentence and some times in the middle of a sentence as well if the subject matter was exciting enough. Apparently she attributed this nervous twitch to the fact that she’s once been stranded for several hours during the London Blitz in an air raid shelter, in total darkness, with twenty American Airmen.

I have noticed that some of the birds in our garden are becoming quite fat and the pigeons in particular have a little trouble taking off at times. Under normal circumstances this might have been a problem for them but my wife has also taken to feeding the stay cat that frequents our garden and that has also has become a little overweight and has no chance of catching even the most obese pigeon.

I did buy my wife a book on identifying garden birds for Christmas a few years ago and she kept a log for a while on all the birds she saw in the garden. However when I caught sight of the entries once I told her that I was a little doubtful that she’d actually seen a puffin as they tended to live on sea cliffs and we were fifty miles from the sea and our garden is quite flat (the only part that might come close to being a sea cliff is a small rockery). She did admit that it may have been a crow but that she’d already recorded one of those and so she though a puffin would be nicer.

Badgerstoke’s Tip:  Even Garden Birds will turn their nose up at Marmite.


 

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Badgerstoke on Celebrity

Badgerstoke on Celebrity
 
Some years ago an artist called Andrew Walpole (a distant relative of the 18th Century Prime Minister I am led to believe) said that “in the future everyone would be famous for fifteen minutes”.

Mrs Badgerstoke and I haven’t had our fifteen minutes yet but out daughter Gloria has. In 2006 she won second prize in the regional hairdresser of the year competition. To win the prize she had to cut six people’s hair in half an hour. She was awarded points for style and neatness. I understand that she would have lost points if she had drawn blood from her subjects and the removal of a whole ear would have led to her disqualification. Anyway she was pictured in our local paper smiling broadly and brandishing a pair of scissors next to a worried looking man whose hair she was cutting. The headline read “A Cut Above”; the journalists on local papers are not up to the standard of the nationals.

Most TV quiz shows now have celebrity versions. I did watch the celebrity version of “Who Wants To Be Rich” last week and I could only identify one of the celebrities. There was a footballer for a lower league football club, an actress who had been in a situation comedy twenty years ago and a singer who’d come third in a TV talent show.

We have many more celebrities now than in the past. Take celebrity chefs for example, when I was young we just had Fanny Craddock on TV but now there must be twenty or thirty. For those of you who can’t remember Fanny Craddock she would not have allowed so many other people to intrude on her subject. The number of celebrity chefs seems to have led directly to obesity in the population and it would be a good idea for the Government to step in and regulate them. Setting up a regulator called OfNosh would meet with public approval I think.

Celebrities will fade from public view if they are not careful and one trick to keep themselves in the public eye is to appear on such programmes as “Help I’m A Celebrity Stuck In Australia” where they are given tasks to do such as eating the testicles of aborigines and sitting in a transparent box with a live alligator. I’m sure these things must be faked. I have heard that the alligator had been previously well fed with a meal of jumbucks. I’m not sure what a jumbuck is but you can’t get them in Tesco.

Another mechanism to keep themselves in the public eye is for celebrities to give their children unusual names. Dave Beckham called his first child Brooklyn because I understand the child was conceived in that place (I hope he chose somewhere private). I did read somewhere that he gave up this process with his second child which was conceived in South London as the name Peckham Beckham was just a little too silly.

Mrs B and I are still wondering what our fifteen minutes of fame might consist of. I hope it isn’t too exciting as my wife can get a little carried away sometime. As a teenager she met Cliff Richard and she has led me to believe that that incident led to a toiletry accident on her part.

Badgerstoke’s Tip: You will be soon forgotten if you become famous for doing something nice. If you want people to remember you then it is better to be very naughty.