Badgerstoke on The Democratic Process

Recently we had elections for the role of Police Commissioner and I noticed with some sadness that the turnout was very low. King Charles II had his head cut off and King John signed the Magna Carta so that we could all have the right to vote.  I think it’s very important that we exercise that right even if we have no idea who the candidates are or what they stand for as was the case with the Police Commissioner elections.

The Badgerstokes go to the polling station, located at The Dame Deidre Bagshot primary school, as a family. Mrs Badgerstoke and I set off after tea and before the good television starts and we pick up our daughter Gloria, who lives just a couple of streets away, on the way there.

Gloria’s husband Brian is on a Government scheme which seems to involve a good deal of sitting in an armchair and watching day time television. I do encourage Brian to join us but he says he doesn’t vote on the principle that all politicians are a waste of space. I did point out to him that most people share that opinion but that doesn’t stop them voting but he was firm on his decision not to join us and to continue watching the television, especially as it was starting to rain.

Voting is a secret process and even Mrs Badgerstoke and I don’t know how each other vote although I did get a hint at the last General Election when my wife pointed out that the Liberal Democrat candidate was wearing tight jeans and had rather a nice looking bottom.

In order to ensure that people don’t guess my political allegiance I discourage any party that comes to our house canvasing by pretending to have the opposite opinion to their policy. For example when the Conservative party calls I tell them that I’m in favour of Nationalising The Royal Family and the Railways and that’s normally enough to make them go away. For the Labour party, telling them I’d like to privatise the NHS is normally enough to make them froth at the mouth and walk away muttering.

I did have an unfortunate misunderstanding a few years ago when I mistook some Jehovah’s Witnesses who called at our house for members of UKIP as they tend to dress in a similar fashion. When they told me that they could save me from eternal damnation I thought that that manifesto pledge might be going just a little bit too far.

I know the country did flirt with the idea of changing our voting system from first-past-the-post to AV (Alternating Vote) a little while ago and I’m glad we decided not to. The first-past-the-post system is quite simple to use (although it doesn’t in fact have a post involved anywhere in the process). It is a shocking fact that 50% of the population have less than average intelligence and hence are not able to understand AV and so I won’t describe it here in case any of them might try and read this and get a headache.

So I hope I’ve persuaded you of the importance of voting. Whether you vote Labour or Conservative or for one of the more offbeat parties it is important that you put your cross in the box.

Badgerstoke’s Tip: If you don’t know who to vote for it is acceptable to close your eyes and choose at random. After all it’s a secret process and no one will ever know what you did.